Denying the concept of 'I am what I am'

Uh, am I weird or is this a true feeling, I sighed first, and now I can feel am breathing, in my room, at my home, on the 25^th of march at 1.28 in the morning, I am talking, well for those of you who read this, I am writing, but I feel my sound within my mind ‘talking’. Talking to whoever who is ready to listen. On the background is a song from the TV set, some song, Festival it is named as, I can’t understand the lyrics, perhaps and I care not!

The music is soothing, the feel in my mind is extra ordinary, a man who  is told to “Act as if you have a life, in case you do”(24|03|2011)  is happy, to figure finally out, that he is humane, full of life and emotions to support it with. Beg my pardon if I sound as if I am boasting. I do not want to, I should not, perhaps, even if I want to, what have I got to boast about myself?

In normal cases it wouldn’t be the case that I present two of my writings back to back based on a movie, but it so happens that I choose to write tonight, only after watching an extra ordinary master piece of a creation in Hollywood -127 Hours-

Like I said at the beginning, I sighed first, as the movie came to an end, and now I feel my breath, as sleepy as I could be, I know, morrow in the morning, my feelings could not be the same, my thoughts could have been replaced by reality, but now, am living it, a life of a loner, inside four walls. Just as Aron lived it within two rocks while his hand was stuck to a stone from which he desperately tried to move himself out, just but to ‘get a life’

None was spoken, out of the 92 minutes of the movie, at least a good 30 minutes would have run without any hesitance for the audio recorders and the technicians, it was complete silence, apparently which 30 minutes I slightly felt as if, it did move. The time felt as if it was paused, I, but was only a part of the silent cave that he was stuck in!

Aron, hears himself out to the cam-corder,
“I wish I had learned some lessons more astutely, more rapidly, than I did”

Did he have to go the wire of his life to regret the moments he lived, did he have to be given a second chance for what he think he could have done, well he regrets, he clearly does, not only about learning lessons more rapidly, but with the likes of the least such as retuning his mother’s phone calls when he had time.

Which I clearly haven’t, let alone the phone calls, I hardly respond to her, when she is in my room , talking to me, explaining about what my future is ought to be. I don’t respond!

And now, do I, ‘the psycho pathetic little brat’, need to go the wire, to the crack on the outer surface, where my hand is stuck, to realize that I am late, that I ought to have responded when I had time, and what guarantee does the crack on the outer surface gives me that I will be granted a second chance? Is it not too late, for me to have realized that I should do it already, well I believe not!

Is it the loved ones that we take for granted, the movie taught me, which I by experience now have felt, which I would regret every night, and promise myself that I’ll not repeat it the next morning, when I certainly do the same that I told myself I’d no! Am I an ass, or just a sorry fucking excuse for the decent human kind? I guess the latter.

Days have passed, as much as Aron in the movie thought, it’s me ‘Aron’, and he is what he is, only but until he starts fighting for his life, I too have thought as many others, ‘I am what I am’.  And time now, truth be said, credit is to be given to REEBOK (RBK) for having marketed their brand exemplarily well. So much so, that every youngster would have a tattoo on his arm and a piercing on his eye brows, and call it, I am what I am!

Uhh, excuse my language! They are not the fuck they think they are!  As much as they think they are cool, unique, weird, awesome, just the way they are. As much as they think, that they dress to please themselves, they are not. Pause for a second and think, how many of us really would go to bed, being happy about what he wore, had he not only been praised, by whoever saw. Why does the teen that gets a permanent art on his naturally ugly looking body, raise their sleeves up and show it to the people around them? if he tattooed his arm just to please himself? Why would there be tags, roles, characters, least be said, people named as Mother, father, girl friend, lover, sister, brother, niece, and the bigger roles as a hero, enemy, villain, star etc. etc.? Who are these the characters that we see every day? How exactly have they been what they are? Cuz, you made them what they are!! We made them what they appear to be!

You, on birth, were told, pointing at an unknown figure, to cal him D-A-D, DAD! You made him a dad, dad made you a S-O-N, SON! The concept of believing, you are who you are, is thus denied! You are what the society, people, loved ones, enemies, and the heroes make you to be. You are what others think who you could be. The part that you play in it is vital, but unfortunately, you don’t chose to be what you think you want to be! You are but a mere script written by a stranger, who was introduced to you after your birth, until the very last day you are ought to die!

I am so fucking full of myself! But, am I what I wanted to be or am I just another script written by many others? I know - I am! I am but another man, just like any of you, rather, worse than any of you, thinking that life is what I want it to be.

Unfortunately, world does not evolve around me, neither does it evolve around Galileo who found that the earth was not flat, nor does it evolve around the rich like Gates! It, as it has always been, is what it is! And we, until the time we die, will play the role that is written on our scripts by others, as they want and finally die, just as god has written it to have been.

Accept it, you might be gay, straight or just bi, you might be a hero to others and enemy to some, you might be the jack off all trades while being the king for many and it is only because the stranger you met after your birth wanted you to be what you think you have been. The guy, who looked up at you, made you a hero. The guy, who hated you, made you a villain. Guy whom you did not want to spend time with made you a jack while the queen who loved your presence in her life made you a king. 

Be it, as I always like to say..

Deal with it, bitch! 

එල ද ඩොන්!!! (Hail the dons!)!!!

You know… There’s an uncountable amount of stress that is going through my mind… I really don’t know what the reason is… but, I know I shouldn’t be stressed out!!! I have completed my AL’s!! It’s over now, as they say... But why??? This thing that I thought I was forced to do had come to an end? SO?? Should I worry about it and skip two of my meals? Urgh!!!

I certainly am ambivalent of my feelings, I have finished my papers, and being ready to stare at the world that is waiting for me is as thrilling as the core of thrill could get! Getting up late, working with no tight schedule, hitting couple of road trips which I ve already planned by now, the water fights with guys, the hair do’s for my girly ‘guy friends’ and a never ending to-do-list, is something certainly I don’t want to miss when i think about it, and the pussy magnet classes that I am going to attend, is so exciting to think about too!

The last day of my school life, is fast approaching, rather it already has! And I can only but imagine how I’d feel as I step out of the Grounds of NO: 62, Gregory’s Road, Colombo – 7 named as D. S. Senanayake College, with enough reasons to not to attend any classes ever again, to grow my hair, and the beard as much as I’ve always wanted to. To do the bits I saw my idols doing which my school never let me to! Geee, they never understand teenagers, as a result I am not surprised that  I have felt a lot of urgency to pass my Advanced Levels, and finish this chapter off as soon as possible! But now, the time is here. I can’t believe it approached me this fast. And what do I do now?

No,.,.,!!! barter me the long hair and the soft beard, barter me my idols I looked up to and the gadgets I couldn’t take to school! I will trade it all, just to live one more complete year of school! It would be a blatant lie if I say I can remember how it had been like from the very first day to the last, cuz I seriously can’t! But I can remember the first day being the worst day of my life! A bunch of unidentified aliens just like me, wearing the blue square pant and the white shirts, staring at me as if they have discovered the painting of Monalisa! And the worst stare out of all was from someone whom we were obliged to honour as ‘Madame’ 

But, what I do remember is the first day of my upper school, starting from grade 6! I was dying to experience all the new and exciting things that awaited me. It was a complete different world from the primary school which we used to know. From the sports to extra-curricular, a fancy new world awaited. The daily routine of going to school and coming back home took a nice turn. The by-default-friends were dropped; we chose our own-click. Life, got a bit closer to heart, and then came the genuine laughter, joy, aathal, fun, happiness and all those things you could ask the life to teach you. Just as to many other kids, I learnt life more than I studied my curriculum, being an utter academic failure, I can’t explain much. But in life, I was not a failure! From a minion head to a thoughtful leader, I was blessed to be under the best of aiya’s, teachers, and coaches! I even learnt to share my meal with the guy next to me, which guy next to me eventually turned out to be the whole class. With the great exception of that posh kid who sits at the front row saying ‘eeya’

The world, am so eagerly waiting to get in to, might not be the greatest of places that would welcome me! I know that for one! Not as much as this school has welcomed me, and the not-so-affluent-few like me! I am a part of the minority to start it off with, but there was hardly any reference to any minority as a minority. In all of my classes, kumara and kumar meant the same and Vishan and Jihan would still mean the same! Religion was no fence; neither to development nor to stupidity! As the lyric of the national anthem goes ‘එක මවකගෙ දරු කැල බැවිනා ‘(as children of the same mother) we moved together!

Life, as we know comes to an end or should come to an end, for some, it’s a full stop for others it’s a comma, the days of joy that seemed never ending has finally come to an end, I was the head of nothing at most of the times, but, she taught me, to be the greatest in what I did! She taught me to bluff! She showed me to be the first of everything I’ve ever done, might not be in the numerical order at times, but at heart, I was the first! She taught me to be independent, eventually as a debater I was, she taught me to lie, she taught me to convince others of my lies, and for that she taught me to lie to myself, she proved me, there’s nothing impossible, and I can reach wide for the impossibilities, she paved me the way for my future, not just by sitting in the class for 8 boring periods but also by making me to ‘අයිස් ගහන්න’ in my free periods. By making me to do things which otherwise I'd have never chosen to do.

As Senel named the school, and I’d agree with it, just as Alicia Keys named New York, DS, was the concrete jungle made out of dreams! A whole world of dreams, a world of fantasies, there was nothing that you couldn’t do, the broken chairs of the classes inspired us, the trophies we won for school, and the trophies others brought to her made us feel brand new, it made us reach the next level, gave us a fantasy world to live, made our lives the best any one could ever make! 

As any other chapter in life comes to an end, yes, this has too, and yes, this too (with the exception of the beautiful-llest chapter of my life) is definitely one of the beautiful ones.

Thus, it’s adieus!! Adieus DS, Viva la Vida DS!!

As we proudly screamed always…

එල ද ඩොන්!!! (Hail the dons!)!!!  

Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense!

Ooh lah lah... I said... Looking at my latest blog, doomed truth! It's always interesting to write something anonymously and pot it in a blog hoping that someone would read it and find it interesting in their own accord. The Little Black Book, is not to be my first blog, nor is it going to be the last... my blogs will continue endlessly as much as my e mail addy's have continued in the past few years... again.. Ooh lah alh.. Am i not a grateful little brat to free-e-mail-domain-providers like yahoo, Hotmail and AOL... i certainly am!

 Anyway... what is that i have to write about in my first post on this blog? Do i have to introduce myself to the world, which i by now am trying to hide so much from people getting to know, or am i just writing for the sake of writing, or is it that endless passion to be a workaholic within me telling me to type some nonsense until it finally makes sense? I, don't have an answer, but I am left with endless questions, questions are endless as much as my ideas and thoughts that were put in to finally find my interest in ‘doomed truth. Blog spot. Com’ ‘URL’. Hidden truth, little black book, confession of a brat, nice London, living life, doomed youth, silence is never precious, are but little out of the thousands of URL's i checked my luck with! And I had none, until finally ‘blogger’ confirmed me that no one had been creative enough to reserve a domain with a name of ‘doomed truth’, which i still to this time don't know what kind of meaning it gives.

Thus, trying to indulge myself in some work on this morning of Friday, i sat down in my machine to do the worthless of shit i do usually, and wrote half a page of nonsense, as a result of which i by now know that am bad in making sense; as bad as i am in making any other thing productive...